"Heart beats fast colors and promises how to be brave how can I love when I"m afraid to fall?" - Christina Perri "A Thousand Years"

Sorry I haven't posted a new blog in a while I've just had a lot on my mind and wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write. Writing down ones innermost thoughts can be harder than you would imagine. Not knowing what to write about and a lot of the time finding it hard to put into words the things you really want or need to say.
There have been many times in my life that I have had trouble coming up with what I want to say, much like everyone else at one point or another. I tend to worry about whether I will say too much or not enough.
The past few months I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the concept of love. In my past there have been times I have thought I loved people when I did not have the clarity to see how rong everything was.
This kept me from seeing that what I thought was my first serious boyfriend whom I thought I loved was not what it seemed. I found out we had started on a lie that he liked me because he thought that this would get him an easy pass into my pants which he never got. There was 'George' who I really cared about and I do apologize if there were times I seemed uncaring. I just cared about him so much that I had a very hard time expressing what I felt and wanted to say around him. We both had our part in messing up our relationship and he has since found a wonderful woman to spend his life with. 
I guess I just wish I knew how or where to even start to try to meet someone to love me for me since driving makes me way to nervous now with my eyesight. I have days where I get sad thinking how it feels even harder to find someone now. A guys not just gonna show up on my doorstep someday and ask me out, I mean come on that kind of crazy thing only happens in the movie or on tv.
I know a lot of you are probably thinking "you find love when you stop looking for it." well now that would require the doorstep man I mentioned above and we all know that's not happening. I should stop this post now because the topic is starting to make me sad again. Who knows what the future holds? Only God does and I know that there has to be some wonderful guy out there that he made just for me. Is it so wrong that I just wish I could get some flowers and someone to tell me they think I am beautiful inside and out?? Instead the only guy who seems to contact me, GP, wants only what my body has to offer and not my heart or mind. It took a while to realize this but now I see that he is not that sort of person I need in my life as he only holds me back from moving on.

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. -Marc Brown"

Today's blog is for my amazing, strong and wonderful brother who even though I have times he gets on my nerves has always been a superhero in my eyes. As we were growing up I looked up to him to see what the right and wrong things to do in life were. In my mind he was and is still one of the best guys in the world. Our relationship has had lots of ups and downs but I know that if a time comes I need him there he will always be there as I will for him.
He is full of strenght, compassion and love wrapped up in a tough looking tattoo covered exterior. There are people who would think he is not a good guy just because of all his tattoos but they don't take the time to look beneath. They have never seen the side of him my family gets to see. The gentle 'Big Cheese' tucking his little munchkin in at bedtime or giving her hugs and kisses when she gets hurt. They have never seen his protective side when someone has teased or tried to hurt his little girl. 
How he tried to protect from some of my exes that he got the sense were not good guys when I couldn't yet tell that. He has made some mistakes in his life like everyone but the difference is that he has grown from these mistakes and is a better man for them.
We don't tell each other as often as we should but I hope that he knows that I love him. I grew up wanting to be just like my brother which at times had to look pretty histerical. Like when I wanted to wear JNCO jeans just like him, and I do mean just like him. If I remember correctly I wore them to middle school one day and looking back I'm sure it looked like I could have fit a whole other person in that same pair of pants. I went through so many trends with him from vans to chuck taylor to skateboard shirts to those humongous pants. 
One story that comes up a lot from our childhoods is how my brother tried to get me to eat a brownie that he had put mustard on. My nother had caught him trying to get me to eat the brownie and ended up making him eat it instead. When he went off to high school I learned from watching him things that I should not do. I learned that skipping class would just make my parents and the school mad at me. That smoking cigarettes is not something that I ever wanted to do and my brother told me that even though he did he never wanted me to. Yes when I was younger my brother may have teased me some like most big brothers will do. But I feel like there is no better way to say how much I love my brother then the following quote I found:

‎"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." – Mother Teresa

I really like this quote and I feel that it is a good one to live by. My whole life I have felt like I was being judged by many people around me. There were many kids throughout my school years that felt the need to tease and bully me. I used to come home many days crying about how and why these other kids could be so cruel to me just because I was different. Everyday that my mom saw that pain in my eyes and face made her want to go down to my school and do anything to make them stop.
The only things that kept her from going down there is knowing that if she did it would only make things worse for me. Kids would tease me about my missing front teeth or how easily I cried or how I was so quiet. There are two events in my life that stand out at the moment in my mind and make me wonder how anyone could treat another human being this way. 
The first is when I was in seventh grade and my English teacher started to question me from the front of the class about why I had written my homework in pencil again when he wanted it in pen. This was one of multiple times that he had done this and he ended up making me cry which caused all the students to start laughing at me. I asked them to please stop laughing at me and one boy in the class made fun of me saying it. You would think this would have been bad enough but then it got worse as the teacher started laughing along with the students in my class instead of making any effort to get them to stop or defend me.
It was right around Thanksgiving that year and this event caused me to consider some thoughts that I knew I should not be having. I will always be thankful that even though the guidance counselor was very busy that day with other students she gave me an appointment right lunch , which I find it funny that I can remember was hot turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy don't know why I remember that. That afternoon she was required to call my mother because i was in danger of hurting myself or others.
I am also thankful that my parents were there for me and helped come up with a plan to help me. I'm not for sure on this detail but I believe I didn't go back to my middle school till after winter break to give me time to deal with things and the school time to make me an entirely new schedule.
The second event that sticks out in my mind actually happened just a few months ago when I was working as a cashier. I made a button that I used to wear when I was work that said "I am not rude, weird, or hyper. I have Aspergers. What's your excuse?" Many of my customers would read it while I was taking their orders and I even had a few tell me they had family members who have aspergers too. One particular day a woman came up to the counter and I said something along the lines of "Hi what would you like?" She responded to this "I'd like you to not be rude to me." Her response shocked me for a second and I politely pointed to the button on my shirt which she read then told me what she wanted to order. After I had taken her order she apologized multiple times for what she had said to me. 
It just baffles me that someone would say something like that when there was nothing rude about what I had said to her in my opinion. My friends and family who have already heard this story have told me that they feel the woman was very rude to have said that to me. I forgave her and I know she only said it out of misunderstanding. I guess I just wish that instead of focusing so heavily on others peoples differences that more people would take the time to get to know others. Sometimes it is better to stop and think about something you are going to say or do and consider what your words might cause. One nice word could save a life and help to start erase the millions of mean words being spread like fire these days. Love has just as much power to change the world but it seems to be forgotten in our fast paced lives.

"It is better to travel hopefully then to arrive disenchanted"- Japanese Proverb

I've chosen to the title for this blog because when it made me smile and I feel like it is a quote that will help me with something that has gotten very depressed over the years. I will admit that in the past I have given up hope and felt a level of disenchantment on whether love was something that I would/ will ever have in my life. It is very easy on a bad day to feel as if everyone else will find love and that I am not going to. Those are the days that it really helps to hold something furry like my guinea pigs and my newest tattoo has helped me a lot.
I hope to find someone who loves me like my father loves my mother. Their marriage is full of love, compassion, trust, courage, and strength. They have had there ups and downs as every couple has but the strength of their relationship has been proven by how they work together to make it through everything.
My parents have supported, loved, guided, and protected through so much. My mother is my rock to stand on and a soft place to fall. She loves me no matter what and I can never repay her for all the hours she has spent with me helping recover from surgeries. My father is a source of love, strength, and shows me through how he treats my mother what a great guy really is. Not to mention he gives some of the best hugs on the planet and I will always be his little punkin no matter how old I am. 
My parents give me hope that someday I will fall in love with a wonderful guy who may not be perfect in everything he does but he will perfect to me and for me.
Like everyone else it all boils down to that I wish I had someone in my life to love. For now I am just so very thankful that I have such a loving, caring, supportive and wonderful family and friends. Without them I do not know what i would do I just know that my life would never be the same. 
Also guinea pig kisses and purrs are some of the best things in the world, you should all try them sometime :).
The tattoos my mom (on the right) and me got in August the blue star is to represent me it shows how on the outside I am like everyone else (the pink stars) but on the inside I am different.

"Hello helicopter will you be my friend?"

I'm getting todays blog up pretty late because today was a really rainy day so I spent most of it reading "The Hunger Games". This book has surprised me by how much that I have gotten into it and to think I almost didn't even buy the book. I can not wait to see that movie it looks like it will be very interesting but moving on as I don't really want to write a whole entry on that book just thought I'd mention it and I'm only about half done with the book.
I suppose this entry is as good as any to talk about the autism retreat I went to this summer. It started August 8th (the day after my 26th birthday) and my wonderful mom and I drove to PA and checked in. That night we had our first vegan meal which was pretty interesting there were good things: veggie burgers and pasta with sauce, and things that were interesting like vegan pizza without any sauce on it. Throughout the week there it seemed everyone had mixed reviews on what they thought of the food being offered but this was their first year at a new venue so maybe next year it will be better.
That night after dinner we went to the orientation and then I got a chance to meet some of the others there (I am making nicknames for the people that I met there so as not to invade their privacy which I am doing for everyone I mention in this blog.) 
Mama bear was there with her son and her presence just seemed to help me relax when I was talking to her. I also met Pig-a-sus who I really wish I had talked to more but he was the only person there that made my brain go all fuzzy and unable to come up with anything to say except Hi. If he ends up reading this blog I have a feeling he'd know I meant him because of something that he had with his display that first night.
That week I attended some interesting presentations and learned a lot, I also made a pretty awesome shirt one night during a shirt painting activity. It took me a few days to finally open up and feel comfortable there and I don't think I fully did til Thursday night. My mom and I had gone to visit family during the day Thursday since they were pretty close to where the retreat was and then we came back to the campus and my mom went to go meet up with one of her friends for a business party. I'd told her that it was fine because they were having a dance that night and I planned to go to it though I was nervous and excited.
The dance took a little while for people to start getting into it because they started with classical music and no one really knew how they should dance to it. After a while the music got changed and randomly people started  twirling and flapping around the room and within a few minutes I was join in having such a great time and feeling very free to be me.
After a few songs I went and sat out in the hallway with a group of people that were talking and a min or so later Keroppi sat next to me. Pretty soon Keroppi and I were talking to each other about how we both found out we had aspergers. The conversation went through so many random topics like school dances, what if there were showers under the stairwells, what if the hypothetical showers under the stairwells rained down gold coins, and how messy the hallways were as we walked around downstairs. We had gotten so into our conversation we didn't seem to notice that the rest of the group had gone either back to the dance or to their rooms. We also ended up losing track of time and talked for around 3 hours. We exchanged contact information and ended up talking for the last hour or so before we had to leave the next afternoon and I am very happy that I had this chance to meet him.
So I know that now I am posting this blog on Thursday instead of Wednesday but I hope to post another blog later today which I am about to start work on so there may end up being a 2 post day.

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” — George Eliot

I've had trouble with my self esteem as far back as I can remember. This past year has been full of a lot of ups and downs because of a lot of changes I've had to face. It started last October when my glaucoma doctor started telling me that we may need to start thinking about placing a second shunt in my left eye to try to help and relieve the pressure. At first I did not want to because I felt like I was all out of the strength that so many of my friends and family say that I have in abundance. This had to do with the fact that I had numerous surgeries in the months before that including having an extra rib taken out and having scar tissue removed from my shunt that was already in my left eye.
I'd gone home and talked to my parents that night and they said they would support my choice no matter what so we had put the surgery on hold. That December I had a moment of clarity the morning of one of my pressure checks and God put a calm peace of me and assurance that I should go through with the surgery if she said that I still needed it. January 6, 2011 I went in and had my second shunt placed in my left eye and it has made me feel even more self conscious since I can not stop looking at it in mirrors, making me also not want to look in mirrors anymore. 
A few months later my parents sat me down one night and they asked me if I had ever heard of Aspergers. My reaction may have seemed strange to others but for some reason I just couldn't get the smile off my face and I may have giggled a little. I think that this may have been my subconscious shouting for joy and telling me that's the name you have been able to come up with for why you are the way you are. My mom said that she had been doing research for a couple of months after seeing AS come up in support groups for reigers syndrome a condition that I have had since birth. I spent the next few weeks and months looking into the symptoms and diving into any books I could find on the topic.
Things from my past have slowly started to make sense from arranging the lights in my light bright in a pyramid shape then going through and organizing them by color repeatedly to picking grass and leaves and sorting them for 'cooking' games with my childhood best friend Star. As i grew up my mom would tell people that I was just quiet or being shy and yes there are times when my parents may have not been able to understand like in college when I'd tell them that I was trying and they would yell for my not doing better then I was. They have apologized numerous times over the past months for things from the past and I just hope they know that I do not hold those things against them because we did not know the reasons why I was having such troubles.
I am thankful that during my research I came across a wonderful group of people who have a yearly autism retreat and that I was able to go for the first time last year. I am very excited to go to my second retreat this next summer and plan on talking more about the wonderful experience I had there this year. A few days before this years retreat my mother and I went and got tattoos of the word 'Love' on our wrist (my left and my moms right one). Even though I still have a lot of things that I am trying to accept and deal with every day this tattoo is a source of strength on days when it feels like my well is dry. It reminds me that there are so many people that love me and that I am not alone in all that I am going through.

I'm addicted to words... and they're useless..

So here goes nothing, lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and decided that I would take the advice of some of the people closest to me. I've been told by a few people that I should start a blog and that my story is unique, interesting and needs to be told.Not sure if anyone will actually read these words that flow through my mind and spill out like water upon these "pages" but then I suppose this is more of an outlet for me and if people find it entertaining/ educational then thats just Asp-tastic! lol
Now where should I start I guess with a little about myself. I have had glaucoma since the age of 7 and have had to go through 13 surgeries so far, 8 or so of these surgeries have been on my eyes to help lower the pressure. Even with all of those sugeries my left eye has continued to be stubborn and around october 2010 it became legally blind. The best way I can describe what this is like to others is that when I close my right eye it looks like the room has filled with very thick dark smoke.
At the moment I am self diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome since around March 2011 because of research by my amazing and loving mother. We are still looking into what is involved with getting an official diagnosis which can be harder in adults but from all the research we've done this explains so many things that I have dealt with throughout my life. I've always had a hard time in social situations not quite knowing what to say or do and the larger the crowd the more anxious I get. A big part of it is worrying that I will read a situation or social cue wrong so I tend to try not to talk. I also worry too much about what other people think and can get 'overloaded' by too many people talking, some types of lighting, some sounds can seem extremely loud to me and not to others around me, my mom has told me a few times that my thinking is extremely literal, My friend Alice- Norah has told me that I am the only person that she know who can not stand mint, and certain smells like cloves tend to make me sneeze a lot.
Throughout my life I have had many different areas of specific interest that I sometimes focus on far too much. At the moment my big fixations include the tv show the big bang theory or more specifically the character Sheldon and how he seems to be the only character on tv that they have been able to go almost 5 seasons so far without mentioning that he most likely has Aspergers. I have been interested in guinea pigs for as long as I can remember and bought two (Gizmo and Gidget) the day after thanskgiving. Hello Kitty has become one recently since build a bear workshop has been coming out with cute new ones recently. Other passing fixations through the years have been power rangers (when I was little), biographies/ autobiographies, and bands (such as my chemical romance, motion city soundtrack and panic! at the disco) to name a few.
Now my brain is spinning wondering if I have written too much for my first blog entry or not enough. Seems like Gidget likes it as she starting purring a minute ago although thats probably just cause she's happy that gizmo is not chewing on her ears right now for hogging the food lol. I'm going to end this entry here and fight the urge my brain has to apologize because I've realized recently that as long as I'm not hurting anyone why should I have to apologize for my actions because as a famous quote that many people love to use says "the people who matter wont care and those that care dont matter" or something along those lines. I guess all I'm just trying to do is spread a little bit of blurry clarity on my beautifuly, crazy, Asp-tastic life so fasten your seatbelts and hold on this might get a little weird!