The 'eyes' have it

So a lot has happened since I posted my update about the surgery. I've gone through ups and downs and am nervous for the next step but I'll get into that more a little later in this blog.
My mom and I went and saw the ocularist (the Dr who made my artificial eye) back on April 10th. Since my eye socket was all healed up he was able to start the process of making the eye that day. The part that had me most nervous was making the mold of my eye socket since I knew you have to extremely still and not move your eyes at all. I'd read before going in that this part would take 4 minutes but my mom says it took less time then that. The Dr had a smiley face sticker stuck on the window that he tells patients to stare at while waiting for the mold to set. Maybe 2 minutes into sitting there he came back in to check the progress and removed the mold.
My mom thought it was still in so she was surprised when I turned and it was out. After that he came back and put a conformer in without holes that fit much better then one placed during surgery. My mom and I were able to set the appointment to get my artificial eye for May 1st.
May 1st we went back both excited to see the process of making the eye. When we got there he had the pupil already placed on the eye and tested it in my socket to make sure it fit. Then the process started to make it look exactly like my right eye. First he took little red fibers and put those on the eyeball to match the look of the veins in my other eye. Once those were on he left for a few minutes and got those smooth. Then he came back and went to work with his paints closely looking at my right iris to make sure he was getting the minute details just right. This whole part took maybe 30 minutes and then he told us we could leave for about an hour and a half while he put the 'cornea' on (basically making it have a slight shine in light like a normal eye) and bake it.
We ended up wandering around a big lots store right near his office. When we went back in he showed us the eye and put it in. Upon looking in the mirror at my new eye I started crying cause it's the first time in at least 4 years that my eyes have looked the same. My mom took pictures to send to friends and family and then the Dr did some minor adjustments and sent us on our way.
That day we also went and got my hair cut and colored since I no longer felt the need to hide behind my bangs. My mom also had them wax my eyebrows which I say had to be my least favorite part of the day. After the haircut we rushed over to the MAC counter at the mall and had my makeup done. My mom took more pictures befor, during and after the makeup and we ended the day having dinner and going home.
This brings me to the most recent news from what was supposed to be my final appointment with my surgeon July 7th. We'd gone in so they could get final pictures and my surgeon could check everything and make sure it was still looking good. During my appointment she noticed that my left eyelid is slightly stretched (most likely from my real eye having been too big for the socket). I started getting nervous at this point as the word surgery started coming up again. She called my ocularist to ask if he thought he can do anything to help. She also advised that I needed to change my left lens in my glasses to plain glass. So my mom and I decided we would wait til after I got my glasses to make any decisions and the next Saturday I went to order new glasses.  While there we found out neither of my insuranses cover glasses and after I almost decided to not get new glasses my mom bought them for me. I told her repeatedly she didn't have to do that but she insisted that she wanted to and the a week later we picked up my new glasses and new lenses were also placed in my old frames so I have a backup pair. Upon seeing my new glasses on we both agreed that I do need the eyelid surgery my surgeon was talking about since it's clear now that it's only a problem with the eyelid and not the artificial eye. So now even though I know I'll feel much better having the surgery I'm still nervous since I thought my wye removal was going to be the last surgery for a while. I go back and see my surgeon in October and then I'll know more details about that process and when we can have it done. So one more tiny hurdle added to this journey I've been on for the past few years but in the end it will all be worth it.
Live (loud), Love (greatly), Stay Asp-tastic!

Darkness of a brand new day

I know it's been almost 2 months since I got my artificial eye and that I said I would update on how that appointment went. My plan was to post about it during the week after I got my eye. Well a few days after I got the eye my entire families world was changed in a minute. Sunday May 4th at 2:30 am my cousin shot and killed himself in the yard of my Aunts house.
My mom woke me up around 8 am after receiving the phone call about what had happened and we rushed to get packed and make the drive up to my aunts house. Upon getting there we spent a few hours sitting with my aunt and trying to support her through the roughest day of her life. When we were leaving I saw some of his blood still mixed with the dirt and grass. This is what caused me to break down the second I got in the car.
Just knowing that less then 24 hours before that he'd shot himself in that very spot. I'd been trying to stay strong all day for everyone else but that just tore my walls down.
That Thursday night there was a beautiful memorial service packed with friends and family who loved "Tick". After which there was a lantern release at a nearby lookout and a bunch of people drove their 4 wheelers up to it to give the kind of send off he would have wanted.
I may not have talked to him in a few years but that didn't mean I loved him any less. When I look back at my childhood my cousins were a big part of it we grew up together. This thought made me break down at the memorial service because now that's over. He took away his chance to grow up. He took away his family and friends chances to support and love him. I spent much of the time since his death in a deep depression. I felt I needed to write this to help deal with the pain I've felt over this loss. I have good reasons why I have not and will not post his real name in part due to it having been tarnished by others. I choose to remember him as the goof ball he was with a huge smile. Tick I hope that you are finally free from all that troubled you and that you realize just how missed you are and how loved you were and will forever be.
RIP "Tick"

Live (loud). Love (greatly). Stay Asp-tastic!

What I'm loving Wednesday

There are a lot of things that I am realately so I thought I'd share a few with you guys!

16 and pregnant- This season has been crazy so far and it's only 3 episodes in. I still feel bad when it doesn't work with their babies dads. But I did recently find on Google that the couple from last week are together again and engaged so maybe he grew up now?

Naked and Afraid- I keep hearing so many people talk about this show I decided to check it out this past weekend. Two things became clear: I could never survive on that show and these people must be insane to go around animals that can kill you in just their birthday suits.

Artificial eyes- I am extremely excited to be getting my fake eye tomorrow! It feels like I have been waiting forever for this day to come but then I was in pain for the last year and a half. Also getting my hair cut, makeup done and eyebrows waxed tomorrow! So it's going to be a big and busy day.

Trisha Paytas' "The History of My Insanity"- I have been loving this book from the moment I started reading it. I've been loving her YouTube videos for a long time since she loves hello kitty as much as I do. So I decided to buy her autobiography for my kindle app and I am having trouble putting it down since I started reading yesterday. 

Those are just a few of the things that I am loving lately. Hope you are all having a great week and I should have a post up in the next few days about my experience getting my fake eye tomorrow! 

Live. Love.  Stay Asp-tastic! 

If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger that must mean I'm a super hero..

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since I had my left eye removed and I've been through lots of ups and downs both emotionally and physically.  But to get to today first I have to catch you up on the last few weeks.
My parents and I headed to Baltimore February 24th after my mom got out of work to stay in a hotel. I didn't want to have to wake up at 3 am and deal with my dad's crazy driving while already super nervous for surgery. We went to dinner then I watched tv (thank goodness for my favorite Monday night show 2 broke girls getting my mind off my nerves). Needless to say both my mom and I barely slept that night and 5 am came faster then I thought.
The morning of the 25th I signed in at john's hopkins nervous, excited and not believing the wait was finally over. They took me back to the prep area and I got my IV, monitors and that lovely hospital gown which NO ONE looks good in. I had amazing nurses who even gave me meds to relax me when I started crying when it was time to head back. The last thing I remember is one of my nurses asking "did it hit yet? How bout now? Now?" My mom says that I did this cute little finger point with both hands and said now when it made me happy. They started wheeling me to the doors 2 feet away and before we even hit the doors I was out and can't remember til I woke up after surgery.
Upon waking up I was really hot, sweaty and slightly nauseous but no pain thanks to the pain meds Dr. Pacheco put in my eye socket after surgery. There were 2 things that made me upset that day the first was that I threw up in the car on the way home and the second is that I didn't get to see my eye after surgery even though my surgeon said I could (my mom and dad saw it though mom thought it was cool dad gets queasy easily so he barely looked lol)
Later that day I found out from my mom my eye had gotten too big for my eye socket and the surgeon cut a slit in it to help her get it out. This resulted in eye liquid spraying EVERY person in that OR and my mom having to sign a form for blood tests.
Other than that and a tiny amount of bloody tears over the next few days there was mainly a lot of sleep, pain pills to manage the pain, and 2 beautiful flower deliveries!
Went back that Friday to get the pressure dressing off as well as the sutures cut that were holding the eyelid shut.  There was a smaller bruise then any of us thought would be there. By the time I went back ten days later my bruise and the majority of the swelling was gone. So I haven't had to go see her again til next Monday when she says I'll be officially released from her care and Thursday of next week I get my temporary eye.
So many people have called me strong over the years through my 14 surgeries and it's hard to feel strong after such a big chamge. I just know that every day I get a little stronger and have slowly started to love the woman I see in the mirror again which is one part of why I went on this wild journey ro begin with. Also very thankful that I am no longer in daily pain and that God took this opportunity to show me not only the kindness of strangers but that I am stronger and braver then I will ever truly give myself credit for.

Cause these words are knives and often leave scars...

I know it's late and your probably wondering does this chick never sleep?!? I swear I do sleep I just have trouble getting to sleep most nights so here is sit with headphones in blasting panic! at the disco and a billion thoughts rushing through my brain. This band always has the effect of making me think of my past and exes. Tonight they've got me thinking about my most recent ex J and wondering why it is I just can't seem to stop thinking about him.
I don't think I'll ever stop caring about him since he was my first love. But sometimes you have to let something go cause either the timing is off or its not what's meant to be. I'm still not sure which of those 2 it is yet but I've decided it's time to open my heart and be open to new relationships.  I'm nervous since I know that words can build you up but they can also turn on you and cut you deep.
Recently I admitted to one of my friends that I like him and he told me that he likes me back. We are still trying to figure out what this means to us since it's all still confusing and up in the air. I don't want to hurt him or to be hurt but I'm also not going to use that fear as an excuse to close myself off from the possibilities. For now with an open mind and heart I welcome the unknown and hope it doesn't blow up in my face.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!

Consultations and twiddling thumbs

So as I said before I had a consultation with an eye surgeon on the 6th of this month. I was planning on doing this post that week but I just kept forgetting.
The day of my appointment my dad drove me there and we got there early. I signed in and seeing as there was no one else in the waiting room figured I'd be called back soon.  We were in that waiting room at least an hour before I was called back. First they took a few pictures of my eyes for before pictures. Then we went in the first room and I answered questions for my patient file while one of the medical assistants entered it into their system.
After that she took us to a back hallway and had us sit and wait for an exam room to open. Once one did we got to go in there and twiddle our thumbs for another 30 minutes waiting to actually see the surgeon. When she finally got back to see us she was very friendly and apologetic for the long wait. Upon seeing how young I am she of course questioned whether I was sure I wanted to remove the eye and not just try a corneal transplant. I explained to her that it is both the pain and my not liking seeing the shunt in the mirror that make me sure this is the right choice for me.
She then told us about the 2 different kinds of implants: one is porous and moves like a regular eye but in the long run causes s lot of complications.  The second which us the one I'm going with is smooth and will have some movement but cause very few if any complications in the long run. She showed us a plastic example of an implant which had to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen. It had so much detail and made me even more excited to see my final product since it will be unique to my eye and no one else's will be the same.
We were able to schedule surgery for February 25th and now all I have left to do ahead of surgery is a pre op physical and some blood work which is at the beginning of February.  It's still hard to believe it's getting closer and right now I'm more excited then nervous but I'm sure I'll get more nervous as the day approaches. There probably won't be another post in this series till after the surgery and that will most likely not be up for at least a week after surgery but it really depends how I feel. I hope that you guys are enjoying reading about my experiences and it's not too boring.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!

Splendies January 2014

My January Splendies surprised me by being in my mailbox today. I have been subscribed to them since around August of last year but never felt like posting a blog about them. Mostly because it's panties and I felt kinda weird going 'hey guys come look at my new panties' lol.
They send you 3 pairs of panties every month for $12 although if you don't like thongs you can do what I do and pay an extra $2 to ensure you (almost) never get a thong. I say almost cause last month I did receive a thong but it was a mix up as they were replacing a pair I'd gotten in both my November and September orders. But their customer service is amazing and they make any mistake right, I'd had a mixup with my 2nd replacement pair being a small by accident but I never emailed them about it cause I felt weird to write again.
This month yay no thongs and all 3 pairs even seem to go with a color scheme of white, black and pinks which I love.
Pair 1- White with lace trim
Pair 2- pink lace with a black bow
Pair 3- White with hearts and leopard print with black lace on the edges and a black bow.
My favorite would have to be the ones with the hearts they would be great for a valentines date. I'm wondering if this is one of the pairs they will be sending for valentines day and I just lucked out and one slipped in my shipment early lol. I wouldn't complain if more valentine panties were to slip into my February shipment as I love fun patterns like these!
I'm also trying splendies sister company volupties this month and should hopefully get those next week so I'm excited to see what I get!
This is the first subscription box I've gotten this year and one of my resolutions is to post more box reviews and blogs in general this year so fingers crossed I stick with it.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!