Darkness of a brand new day

I know it's been almost 2 months since I got my artificial eye and that I said I would update on how that appointment went. My plan was to post about it during the week after I got my eye. Well a few days after I got the eye my entire families world was changed in a minute. Sunday May 4th at 2:30 am my cousin shot and killed himself in the yard of my Aunts house.
My mom woke me up around 8 am after receiving the phone call about what had happened and we rushed to get packed and make the drive up to my aunts house. Upon getting there we spent a few hours sitting with my aunt and trying to support her through the roughest day of her life. When we were leaving I saw some of his blood still mixed with the dirt and grass. This is what caused me to break down the second I got in the car.
Just knowing that less then 24 hours before that he'd shot himself in that very spot. I'd been trying to stay strong all day for everyone else but that just tore my walls down.
That Thursday night there was a beautiful memorial service packed with friends and family who loved "Tick". After which there was a lantern release at a nearby lookout and a bunch of people drove their 4 wheelers up to it to give the kind of send off he would have wanted.
I may not have talked to him in a few years but that didn't mean I loved him any less. When I look back at my childhood my cousins were a big part of it we grew up together. This thought made me break down at the memorial service because now that's over. He took away his chance to grow up. He took away his family and friends chances to support and love him. I spent much of the time since his death in a deep depression. I felt I needed to write this to help deal with the pain I've felt over this loss. I have good reasons why I have not and will not post his real name in part due to it having been tarnished by others. I choose to remember him as the goof ball he was with a huge smile. Tick I hope that you are finally free from all that troubled you and that you realize just how missed you are and how loved you were and will forever be.
RIP "Tick"

Live (loud). Love (greatly). Stay Asp-tastic!

Cause these words are knives and often leave scars...

I know it's late and your probably wondering does this chick never sleep?!? I swear I do sleep I just have trouble getting to sleep most nights so here is sit with headphones in blasting panic! at the disco and a billion thoughts rushing through my brain. This band always has the effect of making me think of my past and exes. Tonight they've got me thinking about my most recent ex J and wondering why it is I just can't seem to stop thinking about him.
I don't think I'll ever stop caring about him since he was my first love. But sometimes you have to let something go cause either the timing is off or its not what's meant to be. I'm still not sure which of those 2 it is yet but I've decided it's time to open my heart and be open to new relationships.  I'm nervous since I know that words can build you up but they can also turn on you and cut you deep.
Recently I admitted to one of my friends that I like him and he told me that he likes me back. We are still trying to figure out what this means to us since it's all still confusing and up in the air. I don't want to hurt him or to be hurt but I'm also not going to use that fear as an excuse to close myself off from the possibilities. For now with an open mind and heart I welcome the unknown and hope it doesn't blow up in my face.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!