Darkness of a brand new day

I know it's been almost 2 months since I got my artificial eye and that I said I would update on how that appointment went. My plan was to post about it during the week after I got my eye. Well a few days after I got the eye my entire families world was changed in a minute. Sunday May 4th at 2:30 am my cousin shot and killed himself in the yard of my Aunts house.
My mom woke me up around 8 am after receiving the phone call about what had happened and we rushed to get packed and make the drive up to my aunts house. Upon getting there we spent a few hours sitting with my aunt and trying to support her through the roughest day of her life. When we were leaving I saw some of his blood still mixed with the dirt and grass. This is what caused me to break down the second I got in the car.
Just knowing that less then 24 hours before that he'd shot himself in that very spot. I'd been trying to stay strong all day for everyone else but that just tore my walls down.
That Thursday night there was a beautiful memorial service packed with friends and family who loved "Tick". After which there was a lantern release at a nearby lookout and a bunch of people drove their 4 wheelers up to it to give the kind of send off he would have wanted.
I may not have talked to him in a few years but that didn't mean I loved him any less. When I look back at my childhood my cousins were a big part of it we grew up together. This thought made me break down at the memorial service because now that's over. He took away his chance to grow up. He took away his family and friends chances to support and love him. I spent much of the time since his death in a deep depression. I felt I needed to write this to help deal with the pain I've felt over this loss. I have good reasons why I have not and will not post his real name in part due to it having been tarnished by others. I choose to remember him as the goof ball he was with a huge smile. Tick I hope that you are finally free from all that troubled you and that you realize just how missed you are and how loved you were and will forever be.
RIP "Tick"

Live (loud). Love (greatly). Stay Asp-tastic!

What I'm loving Wednesday

There are a lot of things that I am realately so I thought I'd share a few with you guys!

16 and pregnant- This season has been crazy so far and it's only 3 episodes in. I still feel bad when it doesn't work with their babies dads. But I did recently find on Google that the couple from last week are together again and engaged so maybe he grew up now?

Naked and Afraid- I keep hearing so many people talk about this show I decided to check it out this past weekend. Two things became clear: I could never survive on that show and these people must be insane to go around animals that can kill you in just their birthday suits.

Artificial eyes- I am extremely excited to be getting my fake eye tomorrow! It feels like I have been waiting forever for this day to come but then I was in pain for the last year and a half. Also getting my hair cut, makeup done and eyebrows waxed tomorrow! So it's going to be a big and busy day.

Trisha Paytas' "The History of My Insanity"- I have been loving this book from the moment I started reading it. I've been loving her YouTube videos for a long time since she loves hello kitty as much as I do. So I decided to buy her autobiography for my kindle app and I am having trouble putting it down since I started reading yesterday. 

Those are just a few of the things that I am loving lately. Hope you are all having a great week and I should have a post up in the next few days about my experience getting my fake eye tomorrow! 

Live. Love.  Stay Asp-tastic! 

If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger that must mean I'm a super hero..

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since I had my left eye removed and I've been through lots of ups and downs both emotionally and physically.  But to get to today first I have to catch you up on the last few weeks.
My parents and I headed to Baltimore February 24th after my mom got out of work to stay in a hotel. I didn't want to have to wake up at 3 am and deal with my dad's crazy driving while already super nervous for surgery. We went to dinner then I watched tv (thank goodness for my favorite Monday night show 2 broke girls getting my mind off my nerves). Needless to say both my mom and I barely slept that night and 5 am came faster then I thought.
The morning of the 25th I signed in at john's hopkins nervous, excited and not believing the wait was finally over. They took me back to the prep area and I got my IV, monitors and that lovely hospital gown which NO ONE looks good in. I had amazing nurses who even gave me meds to relax me when I started crying when it was time to head back. The last thing I remember is one of my nurses asking "did it hit yet? How bout now? Now?" My mom says that I did this cute little finger point with both hands and said now when it made me happy. They started wheeling me to the doors 2 feet away and before we even hit the doors I was out and can't remember til I woke up after surgery.
Upon waking up I was really hot, sweaty and slightly nauseous but no pain thanks to the pain meds Dr. Pacheco put in my eye socket after surgery. There were 2 things that made me upset that day the first was that I threw up in the car on the way home and the second is that I didn't get to see my eye after surgery even though my surgeon said I could (my mom and dad saw it though mom thought it was cool dad gets queasy easily so he barely looked lol)
Later that day I found out from my mom my eye had gotten too big for my eye socket and the surgeon cut a slit in it to help her get it out. This resulted in eye liquid spraying EVERY person in that OR and my mom having to sign a form for blood tests.
Other than that and a tiny amount of bloody tears over the next few days there was mainly a lot of sleep, pain pills to manage the pain, and 2 beautiful flower deliveries!
Went back that Friday to get the pressure dressing off as well as the sutures cut that were holding the eyelid shut.  There was a smaller bruise then any of us thought would be there. By the time I went back ten days later my bruise and the majority of the swelling was gone. So I haven't had to go see her again til next Monday when she says I'll be officially released from her care and Thursday of next week I get my temporary eye.
So many people have called me strong over the years through my 14 surgeries and it's hard to feel strong after such a big chamge. I just know that every day I get a little stronger and have slowly started to love the woman I see in the mirror again which is one part of why I went on this wild journey ro begin with. Also very thankful that I am no longer in daily pain and that God took this opportunity to show me not only the kindness of strangers but that I am stronger and braver then I will ever truly give myself credit for.

Cause these words are knives and often leave scars...

I know it's late and your probably wondering does this chick never sleep?!? I swear I do sleep I just have trouble getting to sleep most nights so here is sit with headphones in blasting panic! at the disco and a billion thoughts rushing through my brain. This band always has the effect of making me think of my past and exes. Tonight they've got me thinking about my most recent ex J and wondering why it is I just can't seem to stop thinking about him.
I don't think I'll ever stop caring about him since he was my first love. But sometimes you have to let something go cause either the timing is off or its not what's meant to be. I'm still not sure which of those 2 it is yet but I've decided it's time to open my heart and be open to new relationships.  I'm nervous since I know that words can build you up but they can also turn on you and cut you deep.
Recently I admitted to one of my friends that I like him and he told me that he likes me back. We are still trying to figure out what this means to us since it's all still confusing and up in the air. I don't want to hurt him or to be hurt but I'm also not going to use that fear as an excuse to close myself off from the possibilities. For now with an open mind and heart I welcome the unknown and hope it doesn't blow up in my face.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!

Consultations and twiddling thumbs

So as I said before I had a consultation with an eye surgeon on the 6th of this month. I was planning on doing this post that week but I just kept forgetting.
The day of my appointment my dad drove me there and we got there early. I signed in and seeing as there was no one else in the waiting room figured I'd be called back soon.  We were in that waiting room at least an hour before I was called back. First they took a few pictures of my eyes for before pictures. Then we went in the first room and I answered questions for my patient file while one of the medical assistants entered it into their system.
After that she took us to a back hallway and had us sit and wait for an exam room to open. Once one did we got to go in there and twiddle our thumbs for another 30 minutes waiting to actually see the surgeon. When she finally got back to see us she was very friendly and apologetic for the long wait. Upon seeing how young I am she of course questioned whether I was sure I wanted to remove the eye and not just try a corneal transplant. I explained to her that it is both the pain and my not liking seeing the shunt in the mirror that make me sure this is the right choice for me.
She then told us about the 2 different kinds of implants: one is porous and moves like a regular eye but in the long run causes s lot of complications.  The second which us the one I'm going with is smooth and will have some movement but cause very few if any complications in the long run. She showed us a plastic example of an implant which had to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen. It had so much detail and made me even more excited to see my final product since it will be unique to my eye and no one else's will be the same.
We were able to schedule surgery for February 25th and now all I have left to do ahead of surgery is a pre op physical and some blood work which is at the beginning of February.  It's still hard to believe it's getting closer and right now I'm more excited then nervous but I'm sure I'll get more nervous as the day approaches. There probably won't be another post in this series till after the surgery and that will most likely not be up for at least a week after surgery but it really depends how I feel. I hope that you guys are enjoying reading about my experiences and it's not too boring.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!

Splendies January 2014

My January Splendies surprised me by being in my mailbox today. I have been subscribed to them since around August of last year but never felt like posting a blog about them. Mostly because it's panties and I felt kinda weird going 'hey guys come look at my new panties' lol.
They send you 3 pairs of panties every month for $12 although if you don't like thongs you can do what I do and pay an extra $2 to ensure you (almost) never get a thong. I say almost cause last month I did receive a thong but it was a mix up as they were replacing a pair I'd gotten in both my November and September orders. But their customer service is amazing and they make any mistake right, I'd had a mixup with my 2nd replacement pair being a small by accident but I never emailed them about it cause I felt weird to write again.
This month yay no thongs and all 3 pairs even seem to go with a color scheme of white, black and pinks which I love.
Pair 1- White with lace trim
Pair 2- pink lace with a black bow
Pair 3- White with hearts and leopard print with black lace on the edges and a black bow.
My favorite would have to be the ones with the hearts they would be great for a valentines date. I'm wondering if this is one of the pairs they will be sending for valentines day and I just lucked out and one slipped in my shipment early lol. I wouldn't complain if more valentine panties were to slip into my February shipment as I love fun patterns like these!
I'm also trying splendies sister company volupties this month and should hopefully get those next week so I'm excited to see what I get!
This is the first subscription box I've gotten this year and one of my resolutions is to post more box reviews and blogs in general this year so fingers crossed I stick with it.
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!

Every journey begins with a single step..

As 2013 comes to a close tomorrow night and with it begins a brand new year most of us are taking this time to clean out the old and plan for the new. So I figure what better time to start my new blog series I've been tossing around my brain. It doesn't have to do with subscription boxes or makeup (well makeup will be part of the end of the series).
I've mentioned before that I am blind in my left eye due to glaucoma. Around October 2010 my life started to change in a huge way when my doctor informed me that my left eye was legally blind. She had me make some decisions at that time which I believe included surgery to remove scar tissue from the first shunt she had placed in that eye. That surgery did not help as much as we hoped so a more invasive surgery to insert another shunt in a different part of the eye was recommended. I still remember bursting into tears in the office and that at first I was against doing the surgery since we couldn't save the vision in that eye anyway. My parents were behind me no matter my choice but after more discussion with my specialist I said yes to the surgery. That shunt went in the beginning of January 2011 and thus started my aversion to ever wanting to look at my left in the mirror ever again.
My eyes vary greatly now (not so much in their pressures which are thankfully doing amazing!) but more so in appearance.  I'd always been told from a young age that my eyes are beautiful and cool looking which can probably still be said for my right eye. My left eye however is not a thing of beauty but more of grayish where it should be white. It's also been described by several specialist as bumpy and lumpy which aren't terms that I think make anyone beam with pride over said eyeball lol. The biggest reason I rarely look at it us because my second shunt is clearly visible on the front of my eyeball since it could not be hidden under my lower eyelid. Any time I do look at my left eye all I see is this is big white square in the corner staring back at me that no longer blends into my grayish eye.
This aversion to my left eye led my mother and I to discuss the possibility of having my eye removed. After much thought on the subject I'd decided this was the best choice for me but alas you need health insurance for that kind of crazy expensive surgery. Which led us down the disability rabbit hole since every other insurance company denied me on the basis of all my pre existing conditions. This process was long and tedious and took one day shy of 2 years to finally to get my approval this August! Excitement and hope blossomed anew for my mother and I not even minding having to wait til January to start the surgery process. Well I mean there is one more little hurdle that was put in my way back in 2012 when my eye started to have days that it was extremely painful.  We found out from a cornea specialist that September that I have corneal blisters which are causing all this pain when my body is trying to heal itself after one pops. I still remember getting in the car when my regular eye Dr had stated that's what she thought they were and upon telling my mom the name her saying 'just the name of that sounds painful.'
I tried what are called contact bandages and at first those helped til it accidentally got poured down the drain in our hotel bathroom in Mexico lol. I'd gotten a replacement when we got home but they just kept falling out so now I use an eye ointment to help my eye heal when the pain starts and relieve my discomfort. But now after over a year of dealing with this pain the new year brings with it new hope as my insurance kicks in!  I have a consultation with a surgeon next week so I will be posting about that experience as the next entry in what shall tentatively be called the Eye for an eye series since I will be replacing my blind painful eye with a new glass and pain free eye! This has been 3 years coming and I have to say though I am excited for the future the surgery is getting me nervous...
Live. Love. Stay Asp-tastic!