I've had trouble with my self esteem as far back as I can remember. This past year has been full of a lot of ups and downs because of a lot of changes I've had to face. It started last October when my glaucoma doctor started telling me that we may need to start thinking about placing a second shunt in my left eye to try to help and relieve the pressure. At first I did not want to because I felt like I was all out of the strength that so many of my friends and family say that I have in abundance. This had to do with the fact that I had numerous surgeries in the months before that including having an extra rib taken out and having scar tissue removed from my shunt that was already in my left eye.
I'd gone home and talked to my parents that night and they said they would support my choice no matter what so we had put the surgery on hold. That December I had a moment of clarity the morning of one of my pressure checks and God put a calm peace of me and assurance that I should go through with the surgery if she said that I still needed it. January 6, 2011 I went in and had my second shunt placed in my left eye and it has made me feel even more self conscious since I can not stop looking at it in mirrors, making me also not want to look in mirrors anymore.
A few months later my parents sat me down one night and they asked me if I had ever heard of Aspergers. My reaction may have seemed strange to others but for some reason I just couldn't get the smile off my face and I may have giggled a little. I think that this may have been my subconscious shouting for joy and telling me that's the name you have been able to come up with for why you are the way you are. My mom said that she had been doing research for a couple of months after seeing AS come up in support groups for reigers syndrome a condition that I have had since birth. I spent the next few weeks and months looking into the symptoms and diving into any books I could find on the topic.
Things from my past have slowly started to make sense from arranging the lights in my light bright in a pyramid shape then going through and organizing them by color repeatedly to picking grass and leaves and sorting them for 'cooking' games with my childhood best friend Star. As i grew up my mom would tell people that I was just quiet or being shy and yes there are times when my parents may have not been able to understand like in college when I'd tell them that I was trying and they would yell for my not doing better then I was. They have apologized numerous times over the past months for things from the past and I just hope they know that I do not hold those things against them because we did not know the reasons why I was having such troubles.
I am thankful that during my research I came across a wonderful group of people who have a yearly autism retreat and that I was able to go for the first time last year. I am very excited to go to my second retreat this next summer and plan on talking more about the wonderful experience I had there this year. A few days before this years retreat my mother and I went and got tattoos of the word 'Love' on our wrist (my left and my moms right one). Even though I still have a lot of things that I am trying to accept and deal with every day this tattoo is a source of strength on days when it feels like my well is dry. It reminds me that there are so many people that love me and that I am not alone in all that I am going through.
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